Rebirth

In the pit of hopelessness,
In the darkness of absolution,
I sat willingly and abandoned,
Frustrated without a solution.

In the distance a light illuminated,
Shielding my eyes, I waited.
Hoping against insanity,
It wasn't something I created.

Then across my wounded soul,
Your embrace spread the warmth.
With just a touch and a whisper,
You protected me from the storm.

I don't know why you did it,
Or even from where you came.
In my cold and wounded heart,
You reignited the flame.

You showed me a love that was faithful,
A passion that was unmistakable.
A longing and peaceful bond,
That would forever be unbreakable.

How to repay you, I will never know.
But to thank you I will find a way.
For I have been born again in your love,
And your arms I will always stay.

I love you.

My Reflection

Don't look at me with those damning eyes,
You know where I've been, you know the lies.
My hatred for you grows by the day,
I can't forget, no matter what you say.

You're more like me, more than you know,
A worthless life, a rotting soul.
I'm abandoned by God, left to die,
Can't dig myself from this hole no matter how I try.

Insane, can't stop the voices in my head,
Void of love, just like you said.
The choices I've made created this hell,
Purposeless I walk, maybe just as well.

You have no right to judge my life,
You've been walking by my fucking side.
Guilty as I, cast the first stone,
With or without you, I'm destined to be alone.

Don't show me the light, too long I've been blind,
No more preaching, God has left my side.
I hate you, the way you are
I hate me, can't turn back, gone to far.

There is no hope for a fate like mine,
I'll embrace the trip, ignore the signs.
Downward we walk, steep the hills,
The reflection of you, is me, it feels.

Welcome to the world of abomination,
The abyss I've produced, the good I've shunned.
Don't try to stop me, I've chosen my path,
You are to weak to resist the wrath.

Death will come with welcome arms,
My pain intense, no more can you harm.
My broken frame, the weight to much,
Numb to love, nothing to touch.

You will die with me.
Beside me.
You are me.

The Other Half of My Heart

My heart, broken in two,
Pieces floating in darkness.
One, repairing itself with doubt,
The other, withered and distressed.

What if the heart that is growing,
Can't sustain the life within,
Even if the half is recovering,
Will it be enough breathe again.

Can it find the rhythm of life,
The beat and the rhyme,
Can it understand the purpose,
Of the new path that comes with time.

However, the other half of my heart
Is fighting with reason as it dies,
Wanting to forgive and forget,
But destroyed by deceit and lies.

Peace is foreign to this half,
It struggles in waves of torture.
Constantly beaten to save another,
Wanting to dwindle in nothing but closure.

One side beats with hope anew,
The other dies because of injustice,
One lives with a beat of a new life,
The other withers in cowardice.

My heart, broken in two,
Will always remain apart.
Perhaps one piece can love again,
But not the other half of my heart.


Jaysen Towers

Unbroken

With unseeing eyes,
And a hollow heart,
Reaching with empty arms,
I fight against the dark.
Broken pieces of my life,
Unbroken missing for a new start.

Daylight far away from life,
The only sound is rain,
Wanting to feel anything else
Than the feel of the broken pain.
A faded haze of unbroken hope,
Is all my mind contains.

Memories haunt like shadows,
Bringing with them weight,
Confusing real with broken,
Hard to keep this straight.
Looking forward with weakness,
Wondering what unbroken awaits.

Alone is a curse of the unblessed,
Forgiveness helps nothing.
Love is a waste of confession,
Pain is what it brings.
Unless real and unconditional,
Broken it will remain.

Unbroken is a myth of the dreamers,
A fancy from fiction and illusion,
Living through the lie of love,
Is the only way to reach the conclusion,
That bringing it into you life,
Will control nothing but the delusion.

Jaysen Towers

Underwater

I'm drowning underwater,
Holding my breath so tight.
Struggling to reach the surface,
Reaching out for the light.

Struggling in the murky water,
Haze like memories found.
Seconds tick past, perhaps the last,
Don't know up from down.

Time is running short,
Darkness paints my skin.
Unsure of how I'm living,
I've forgotten where I've been.

I reach out for something,
My breath almost gone.
One more try, one last chance,
But I don't know for how long.

Why have I fallen,
Why am I here?
I guess it's not so bad,
Once you get over the fear.

Embrace with flailing arms,
Accept the faith without sight,
Hope is a stranger in me,
Destiny controls my life.

I'm drowning underwater,
I've struggled my last fight.
I cannot find the surface,
I cannot find the light.


Jaysen Towers

Thank You

Thank you for lying to me about loving me for so long;
It has taught me to be more careful on who I trust with my love.

Thank you for breaking my heart with your every word;
It has taught me to protect it better, and not to love so easily.

Thank you for pointing out my weaknesses repeatedly, and exaggerating them;
It has taught me to repair myself for the person who will love me despite them.

Thank you for not feeling guilty for anything you have done to me;
It has taught me you don't deserve to care for me in any way.

Thank you for demanding that I be someone I am not;
It has taught me that I am better without you, I am better being myself.

Thank you for not allowing me to have an identity;
It has taught me to be more demanding on what I need to be happy.

Thank you for not caring to satisfy me for so long;
It has taught me that I was never your type and you are not the right one for me.

Thank you for sharing your intimacy with another man;
It has taught me I was right not to trust you, and makes it easier to find that one who will sacrifice for me instead of their own urges.

Thank you for throwing my mistakes in my face repeatedly;
It has taught me that you are desperate and cold.

Thank you for proving everyone right about you;
It has taught me to trust my friends more and take their advise.

Thank you for never believing a word I say or letting me defend myself;
It has taught me I no longer need to hear your voice or see your face.

Thank you for not forgiving me for my shortcomings and mistakes;
It has taught me I am a better man for forgiving you.

Thank you for hurting me every chance you can anyway possible;
It has taught me I don't need you in my life and am better on my own without your constant battering.

Thank you for showing me that I am worthless and you are flawless;
It has taught me that I was only worthless in your eyes, and you will repeat your mistakes with everyone else.

Thank you for not loving me the way I deserved;
It has taught me that there is someone else who will love me unconditionally.

Thank you for forcing me to give up so much, including those around me;
It has taught me who my real friends are, and who I can rely on.

Thank you for not caring if I am happy or not, for so many years;
It has taught me that real happiness is without you.

And finally,
Thank you for showing me life was not worth living without you;
For it has taught me that there is so much more waiting for me now that you are out of it.

Thank You.

Nonetheless

Today is the first breath,
Labored and stale, unwanted and unneeded,
But breathing nonetheless.

Today is the first look,
Surroundings familiar but different somehow,
Frightening and unforgiving,
But seeing nonetheless.

Today is the first beat,
My soul and heart, lost but found again,
Broken, shattered, unloved,
But beating nonetheless.

Today is the first touch,
Course and painful, aching and sharp,
But feeling nonetheless.

Today is the first step,
A journey never seen,
A road unknown and dark, steep and rocky,
But progress nonetheless.

Today is the first light,
Choked by shadows, strangled by uncertainty,
Struggling against the fading sky,
But illumination nonetheless.

Today is the first day,
An undeserved chance, a weak change of yesterday,
An unwanted waking, a search for reasons,
But a day nonetheless.

Tomorrow will be another first,
Breath, look, beat, touch, step, light,
Another day, like today,
A never ending search for answers.

What was,
What is,
What will.

And why.

Jaysen Towers

Another Street

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portis Nelson

I.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V.

I walk down another street.

Broken, But Healing

For Christy M.

Broken, but Healing

I am broken, but I am healing.
Lost, but searching.
Alone, but hoping.
In pain, but no longer hurting.

I am weak, but growing stronger.
In darkness, but reaching for light.
Crying, but with no more tears.
Beaten, but still ready to fight.

I am torn, but I no longer notice.
Confused, but I am dealing.
Unloved by one, but loved by another.
I am broken, but I am healing.

Jaysen Towers

Christy, you will make it through this. Although the road is dark, you are stronger than you realize. And you have friends around you to help, reach out to us when you are lost, lean on us when you are tired, and count on us when you need strength. As your friends we will never leave you, for we all share a bond that started in the most unlikely place, and will continue as we heal.

"The beginning is scary, the end is painful. It's the middle that counts." Hope Floats

Lost my faith that once was strong,

In love and life and strength and song,

Road once open, closed and dark,

The worthless journey, a downward arc.

Jaysen Towers

A Wall is Not the End

We have come to an impasse, you and I.
An unpreventable obstacle that threatens our lives.
A wall of bricks, stone, and paint,
Obviously the end, our love could never survive.

On the brick wall, a sign, on paper,
"You can go no further, give up, this is the end."
You believe it, and agree somehow,
No other alternative, nothing else to comprehend.

But there are choices, but you don't ask for help,
You see the easiest solutions, just look around,
If I have to, I will lift you above the wall,
If I need to, I will dig under the ground.

Just because it is the obvious end,
Does not mean it is the only way out.
For if you let me, take my hand,
And I will lead you, removing all doubt.

And when the next wall appears,
Just close your eyes and feel my heart,
Alone we will fail, give up, hit the wall,
With faith and love, we will never be apart.

Jaysen Towers

Revelation

My life,
Has led me down the road that`s so uncertain.
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that`s gone.

This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers.
I`m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home.

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do.
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven`t got a clue.
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move.
Give me a revelation.
I've got nothing without You.

My life,
Has led me down this path that`s ever winding.
Through every twist and turn I`m always finding,
That I am lost again.
Tell me when this road will ever end.

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do.
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven`t got a clue.
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move.
Give me a revelation.
I've got nothing without You.

I don`t know where I can turn.
Tell me when will I learn.
Won`t You show me where I need to go .
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it`s the only way that I can get back home.

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do.
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven`t got a clue.

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move.
Give me a revelation.
I've got nothing without You.

Revelation, Third Day

Hope Falls

It is amazing what you find

When you look at the inner soul,

As you are broken and hopeless.

The strong facade of your existence

Worn and weak, worthless, perhaps,

As you struggle to steady the lie that you are all right.

You smile an empty grin, fearful that those around you

May notice the thread of your control over giving up

Is near breaking.

And that thread, stretching every thinner,

Is balanced between the hope you can survive another day,

And the acceptance that it just may not be worth it.

Because yesterday was not as bad as today,

Tomorrow is destined to be worse.

And how, knowing the worst is yet to come,

Do you long to see the light of morning?

The darkness has become a good friend,

Comfortable, and welcoming.

The Circle

Through denial and unbelief,
A road that was once fully visible and straight,
Becomes a winding ribbon of pain and sacrifice.

Once strong, now hopeless, the faith of love and life
Has been replaced by uncertainty and wanting.

Through once bright-seeing eyes, now darkness falls,
A veil that stifles hope and breeds despair.

If a circle is the symbol of hope,
How is it that is feels like the repeating foreshadow of failure?

Perhaps, only a visible circle from above,
But from the side,
A downward spiral is all that really exists.